Loneliness

It was the end of the fall semester when I decided to get 2 jobs over winter break. I ended up working 2-3 jobs. Since I had struggled with seasonal depression so much, I wanted to make sure I did not have a lot of alone time. I overdid it, with barely any rest time. Coming from winter break and starting spring semester, I was exhausted, both emotionally and physically. As my fellow classmates were excitedly sharing their winter experiences and catching up with one another, I was all alone, overwhelmed and empty. It dawned on me that doing more things (even working) did not feel the emptiness within. This instance was not the first time I felt alone and not able to relate. I remember shortly after my brothers died, I went to a church picnic. Everyone was sitting around discussing trivial things like new tattoos and hobbies. I remember feeling like I didn’t care about shallow things. That I just wanted my pain to stop. Fast forward to this day in 2020, and I felt the same level of emptiness.

As class ended and everyone left the classroom, I cried. Then the lyrics from Andy Mineo’s song “I Don’t Need You” popped in my head:

I hate asking for help, my pride too real

I would probably die starving before I ask for a meal

These walls I built, each brick a disappointment

Never told you how I really felt, this time I can’t avoid it

I know I said I don't need you, yeah, I know it's all see-through

But what else do you tell yourself when that many people leave you?

I threw myself into working, trying to prove that I'm worth it

I've been holding this middle finger up so long, my arm hurtin'

But now I'm tired of all this trying

Say, "I'm good," say, "I'm fine"

Ain't no time, cut the pride, I just say it

I need you to listen

When I tell you how I really feel, don't dismiss it

Or start laughing

Or act like I'm overreacting

I need to know I'm not somebody that you just got to put up with

I need to know that I don't suck if I never had no success

I need you to stop judging me for the things I'm into

And if you don't like it, then pretend to

I need you to talk to me gentle

I need your reply when I text you

I need the reminder of my potential

I need your time for just a little

I need your word, its instrumental

I need you to stop tryna humble me, I got a tough enough time loving me

I need to trust you won't come and leave, and then pull the rug out from under me

I need a place I can talk crazy when everything in my walk hazy

Know I've been a little off lately, but look, man, it's how God made me

I need a minute, need commitment

I need God, I need a vision

I need y'all, I need a visit

I need more than I will admit

And I always said I don't need you, always thought it was true

I don't need nobody, dang, maybe I do

There is more to life than the presence of stuff, of work, of popularity. It is about finding people who you love and love you to be around.